Okay, so this story has to be told. Just has to be. If only so you can laugh at my husband and I, and our slipping ability to survive with a newborn in the house. Why? Because no matter how many kids you have, shit gets real when you bring a new one home from the hospital.

My husband was very considerate when we came home from the hospital and decided that he would sleep on the pull out couch in the living room until baby boy and I got adjusted to being at home… This worked great, until we reached day five. What happened on day five, you ask? Oh, a lot.

On day five, we still weren’t sleeping more than an hour and a half at a time (if that) and I was at my wit’s end. Baby boy wanted to breastfeed around the clock, and suddenly I felt the extreme urge to use the bathroom, and I’m not talking about peeing.

What no one tells you about having a c-section is that it will be FOREVER before you poop again, and that when you do, you will be absolutely terrified to do so…

I decided that I would finish feeding the baby and try to get down to business. Then the thought hit me that if the baby woke back up and started crying, no one would be there. So what did I do? I walked to the living room and put the baby in the swing.

No sooner did I plop my behind on the toilet seat than I heard the dreaded sound, the baby was awake, despite my best efforts to get him to sleep. But I had to poop. So, I grabbed the bathroom sink and tub, one with each hand, and prepared for the worst. As I sat there, I heard the baby calm down a little and thought “Great, the hubs is awake.” so I stayed quiet and continued my business. Suddenly, I heard a shriek from the baby and continued crying…

The hubs began walking the house with baby boy in what appeared to be an effort to calm him down (that was NOT working). After a minute or so (that the hubs insists was HOURS) I hear the hubs desperately asking the baby and the dogs “Where’s mommy? Where’s your mommy? Can you find mommy?” and I burst into laughter… I deliberately spent another few minutes in the bathroom (ya know, so the hubs could appreciate what I have to go through) before finishing up and giving the poor hubs some relief.

What can be learned from this? Self-preservation is important, and sometimes, Mommy has to poop!

P.S. If you’re looking for a recommendation on a swing, we highly recommend the Fisher Price Snugapuppy!