Participation Trophy Wife

So many times I feel like as a wife I try and I fail, over and over again. FYI, it’s about to get real…

My anxiety and depression make it hard to leave the house. There are so many days that I may want to go somewhere, but the little voice in my head full of what-ifs stops me. I didn’t used to be this way. When my husband and I first started dating, I was super social. I loved going and hanging out, I would strike up a conversation with anybody.

I don’t really know what changed… It kind of started slow. The kids got older, started getting more involved in sports and other activities, and I would take them wherever they needed to go. My social and outgoing self is also very opinionated and sometimes would have disagreements with people. Those of you who know me, know that I am quick to let go of grudges from disagreements, but I also realized that some people simply are not, so I started keeping my mouth shut.

The quieter I became, the easier it became to just keep quiet… But people are LOUD, and soon peopling became exhausting. The quieter I was, the more socially awkward I felt. When Kyle decided he no longer wished to play baseball, I breathed a huge sigh of relief- a little less peopling to have to do.

Soon, I started going to work, going grocery shopping, and just coming home. It’s easier to people with just the people you love.

Well, my poor husband is very much a social butterfly and a people person. He loves getting together with friends and hanging out. He is very much the life of the party. I’m just NOT anymore. I wish I was, but no amount of antidepressants seems to bring back that side of me. Who knows what happened there. We get invited places, and I generally find a reason to stay home (kids, work, who knows what the excuse is), and very seldom do I go… 2020 and the pandemic made that even easier, because even though I am not afraid of getting sick, COVID-19 is a damn good reason to just stay home.

We got invited to visit a friend of his that just got home from Afghanistan… I ADORE this man. He is one of my husband’s closest friends and he is one of the few people that came to see me in the hospital after JW was born. He’s super sweet, silly, and just has the best personality. Now, due to some crazy circumstances, his wife who was also a dear friend of mine, is no longer his wife. The people who were there, with exception of one, were people that I had never met before.

Let me tell you how this went down- we arrived, see said friend, meet new girlfriend and his mom (whom I had never met before), see other old friend and his new wife, and then all the guys go to congregate around the grill and leave the women-folk in the house. Women tend to be chatty, and at times down right catty… The mom and the new girlfriend obviously new that I was at one time a friend of the ex-wife’s and decided to attempt to fill me in on “the events”. This was none of my business and I made that clear… Cue awkward silence. And then me being left to myself for the remaining time we were there.

I tried. I participated. I failed. Shortly into being left to myself, I shot my husband a text saying that I needed to go home and check on my kids.

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