You know something, now that I’m a mom, a lot of things have changed. Shit is really different now than when I was a teenager. I used to be scared of things, but now it’s my job to to protect my kids from the things that they’re scared of, and to me, that makes me badass! My boys will tell everyone that mommy isn’t scared of anything, which isn’t true, but I will tell you that having kids made me a whole lot braver for many reasons… And that’s why now that I’m a mom, the only monsters under my bed are my kids!

Now, while I feel like a badass when I scare the monsters out of closets, out from under the bed, and prepare to fight the bad guys lurking in the shadows, the truth is that I still have lot of fears. I fear every time they fall down. I get terrified of them walking more than a few feet away from me in a public place. And I near panic when they are out of my eyesight when they are somewhere other than at school. Yes, now that I’m a mom, things are different… Really different. I am not scared of the same things at all anymore.

The bad thing is, I have at times been scared of my kids. As much as I love them, I have to admit that they are turds that set death traps for me…

I used to have some really pretty satin throw pillows. I had them until one night, when one of my boys decided to put them in the kitchen on the floor. I stumbled through the next morning and stepped on one of the pillows and before I knew it, I had flown up into the air, and landed on my behind. Deathtrap number one. I threw the pillows out that same day, by the way.

A few short weeks later, I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom… I have no idea if I had upset one of the kids before bed that night or if maybe this was some kind of offering, but they had neatly lined up about 6 rows of Matchbox cars all along my doorway. I didn’t see them and stepped right on them. I again, ended up flat on my behind trying to figure out what happened. And my boys, they didn’t have Matchbox cars anymore… Until recently, that is, but I now make sure to look down when I step into a room. Lessons I have learned now that I’m a mom.

Now, you would think that since my boys are getting older, things would get better, right? I assure you, they do not. The pranks get worse… And although they provide no physical harm, I can assure you the psychological scarring is real. Last night, whilst innocently walking through my bedroom, a hand reached out from under my bed and grabbed my foot. I had already put my kids to bed… Little did I know, the little one snuck back into mommy’s room to do the prank of all pranks. I think I screamed loud enough that the whole neighborhood heard me… Neighbors called, people knocked on the door, and I was left to explain that I, a mom, a badass mom, had just been punked in the ultimate way… And that now that I’m a mom, my kids are the monsters under my bed.

I hope you have all gotten a good laugh at my expense. Please let me know that I am not the only one out there and leave a comment! 🙂